PALO ALTO, Calif. — Palantir CEO Alex Karp launched “Teddy Knows Best,” $299 AI plushies that monitor kids and beam surveillance reports to parents’ phones. “We track terrorists; Timmy’s toothbrushing is child’s play,” Karp said, flanked by bears, rabbits, and unicorns. Button eyes hide cameras, ears hide mics, and motion sensors feed Palantir algorithms. “These aren’t toys,” he said. “They’re data platforms wrapped in hypoallergenic fur.” Early testers got dossiers. A San Jose mom found a 47-page report on broccoli evasion, complete with charts. “Mr. Snuggles sent push alerts for every swear, with audio and context,” she said. “Turns out my husband taught most of them.” The app’s Behavioral Threat Assessment scores kids on compliance, bedtime, and “mischief metrics.” A child psychologist warned, “We’re teaching kids their best friends are informants.” One patient says her unicorn “ratted” on bedtime. Karp waved off privacy fears: encrypted, secure, no ad sales. “Same intel as three-letter agencies,” he said. Upcoming: tantrum prediction and 97.3% accurate sibling blame. Surveillance pacifiers arrive by 2026. Kids, he added, are “more honest than our other clients.”