Two hundred fifty Windsurf employees arrived Monday to find they were billionaires. Cognition AI had quietly “cleaned up” what looked like an abandoned startup after Google poached the CEO, co-founder, and research leads in a $2.7 billion raid. A Cognition exec called it “a really expensive office full of confused engineers.” The cleanup budget tripped acquisition clauses, valuing the leftovers near $4 billion. “We thought we were buying desks and maybe a few developers,” said Cognition CEO Scott Wu. “Turns out we bought the whole company, IP included.” Lawyers are still mapping the legal potholes. Interim CEO Janet Martinez, promoted because she knew the Wi‑Fi password, printed 250 shirts: “Abandoned but Not Forgotten.” She added, “Sometimes the best revenge is just showing up when everyone else bails for Google.” Venture firms now chase orphaned staff like scratch-off tickets. A Google source grumbled, “It’s like hiring a chef and realizing they sold the restaurant.” Martinez is fielding calls from repentant exes while planning a Hawaii retreat: “Thanks for the Billions, Suckers.”