PARIS — The IOC named Larry David the Games’ first “Official Complainer,” citing an epidemic of poor sportsmanship and general Olympic nonsense. Minutes into the job, he opened hostilities with his credential badge. “It’s too heavy, the font is microscopic, and the lanyard is medieval,” he said, wrestling it into face-forward compliance. “Who designed this, a sadist?” He kept flipping it while muttering about incompetent Olympic bureaucrats. The gig followed viral rants, including a 12-million-view video scolding a beach volleyball player. “You’re jumping like you discovered fire,” he’d yelled. “It’s sand volleyball! My neighbor’s kid does that every weekend!” A Sorbonne sports psychologist praised his unparalleled knack for fault-finding and “complete lack of athletic ability,” though she noted he’d filed three badge complaints in his first hour. By Thursday he’d escalated to security, denouncing the plastic’s “unnecessarily reflective” glare. “It’s a disco ball around my neck,” he said. The IOC remained upbeat. David then announced a grievance over breakfast hours: “6 AM is an assault on decency.”