Environmental advocates face a beverage identity crisis after a study found glass bottles contain 5–50 times more microplastics than plastic, thanks to painted caps. Shocked shoppers triggered a run on plastic at Whole Foods. The sustainable living community is recalibrating, mostly by deleting photos of sunlit mason jars and pretending they always loved PET. “I perfected my glass aesthetic for three years,” said influencer Madison Greenleaf, frantically scrubbing @EcoGoddessLife. “Turns out I’d have been safer chugging Dasani. My brand is glass superiority.” At Target, customers demanded kombucha in “pure plastic vessels,” then decanted $18 tonics into Poland Spring with bendy straws. “One woman demanded uncapped glass bottles,” said manager Brett Williams. “We explained: that’s called spilling.” Plastic makers unveiled billboards: “Glass: The Real Villain All Along.” A spokesperson smashed bottles, shouting, “Who’s laughing now?” The stock soared 847%. Dr. Sarah Ironfist warned of a sustainable hierarchy collapse. “Are bamboo straws uranium?” Support groups for “glass betrayal survivors” now meet in paper-cup-only rooms. Eco brands pivot to “artisanal plastic vessels.” The punchline: eco-activists now trust plastic—because at least its lies are honest.