SAN FRANCISCO — USB Consortium International admitted Tuesday that USB was never for file transfers but for the “Universal Sperm Bank.” The 28-year ruse surfaced after Portland engineer Patricia Kowalski reported a laptop speed boost following “an embarrassingly intimate encounter” with her USB port. “It ran like it had a biological processor,” she said. “That’s when I started asking questions.” Spokesperson Dr. Marcus Threadwell said DNA harvesting tech has lived in every connector since 1996. “Users were engaging in Universal Serial Biology,” he said. “File transfers were cover. We wanted data far more personal.” Internal memos cite cables’ first-try failures as “evolutionary mating dance protocols,” which also explain why some users felt “oddly satisfied” after a snug click. A class-action suit now counts 200 million plaintiffs. “It does explain why my external drive felt needy,” analyst Rebecca Martinez said. The group will rebrand as “Biological Interface Optimization Systems” with consent prompts and mood lighting. Apple reportedly shredded Lightning docs, muttering about “equally problematic applications.” Millions of devices now sit in “protective custody.”