Mountain View, CA — Google promoted Jeff Dean to “Senior Staff Engineer of Reality” after he “refactored” the speed of light over the weekend. Bored Saturday, famous by Sunday, he dropped c from 299,792,458 to 254,323,589 m/s. Physicists scrambled. Sunsets looked weird. Internet felt faster. Dean called the universe’s core infrastructure “obviously inefficient” and asked for code ownership of existence. “Jeff mentioned he’d done some light refactoring on electromagnetic propagation,” said engineer Sarah Chen. “We thought fiber optics. Then the sky changed.” CEO Sundar Pichai’s memo tasks Dean with removing “systemic bottlenecks in spacetime.” Dean labeled gravity “embarrassingly inefficient,” promising Gravity 2.0 by Q3 with mass-energy compression and orbital load balancing. “Gravitational force at O(n^2) is absurd in 2025,” he said, before walking into a shimmering portal of optimized quantum foam. Coworkers fear he’ll delete Tuesday while streamlining time. “He once optimized our coffee so it brewed before we ordered,” said Mike Rodriguez. Dean promised rollbacks and A/B tests across parallel dimensions, noting brief outages for linear time and conservation of energy if needed.