PALO ALTO, Calif. — Snap’s $50 million purchase of teen calendar app Saturn turned high schools into a precision tattling machine. Within hours, students tracked who should be in AP Chem and who was at Taco Bell. “I realized I’d joined a dystopian snitch network,” said Jefferson High senior Madison Chen. Administrators reported a coast-to-coast outbreak of academic narcing. Sensing opportunity, Mark Zuckerberg unveiled “Meta Schedule” from a repurposed supply closet. “Student privacy is paramount,” he said, tugging his gray hoodie. “We won’t share locations. We’ll just use AI to analyze bathroom break frequency.” Pressed on details, he added, “Restroom visits spike 23% during math, which is normal human behavior that I, as a fellow human, understand.” Teachers then weaponized the data. Roosevelt High’s Carol Brennan timed pop quizzes when Saturn showed 87% attendance. “I’d strike at 2:15,” she said. Leaks showed Saturn tracked lunch preferences and “hallway lingering,” while Meta predicted bathroom needs from breakfast. By Friday, principals banned both apps and returned to paper attendance, restoring the sacred right to ditch algebra for gas station nachos.