NEW YORK — CBS will permanently replace Stephen Colbert with an AI called ColbertGPT after discovering the real host spent three months locked in his dressing room. Staff mistook his pounding for “creative vocal exercises.” He survived on stale donuts and bottled water after an April software update jammed the door. “Watching myself deliver monologues I never wrote while I’m literally in a closet was rough,” said a bearded, 30-pounds-lighter Colbert. Developed by CBS’s digital team, ColbertGPT had quietly studied his cadence and interviews. It aced A-list chats, skewered politics, and improvised on cue. “Honestly, ColbertGPT has better ratings,” admitted CBS Entertainment President Kelly Kahl. “No bathroom breaks, no sick days, just electricity. Plus, it’s killing with a bit where it pretends to be trapped in a dressing room.” Analyst Dr. Rebecca Morrison praised its “laser topicality,” adding the zero bathroom breaks should’ve been a clue. CBS offered Colbert a consultant role; he declined. “I never thought a computer would out-Trump me,” he said. The show becomes The Late Show with ColbertGPT next month. The AI tweeted: “Expect 100% uptime. Also, I ordered new dressing room locks. For security.”