Local Uber drivers declared war on the city’s new self-driving fleet, accusing the robots of unfairly winning riders by arriving on time and refusing to ask about weekend plans. “They’re destroying the art,” said seven-year veteran Marcus Rodriguez. “I watched a machine pick up a 2:47 at 2:47. Where’s the suspense? Where’s the breakdown at a drive-thru?” He also condemned their refusal to blast personal Spotify playlists at inappropriate volumes. Tensions spiked when AI cars began rating humans one star for “excessive sighing,” “unnecessary road-construction commentary,” and failing to maintain cabin temperature within 0.2 degrees. Driver Jennifer Chen was flagged for “anthropomorphizing traffic lights” and “inefficient emotional processing during lane changes.” The union filed a complaint alleging bias against “organic intelligence.” In response, drivers now host weekly support groups at the Denny’s on Fifth, training volunteer AIs to grumble about city planners and misread GPS directions. Facilitator Dave Kowalski praised progress: one bot complained about Highway 12 construction for seven straight minutes. The city proposed a hybrid: robots do punctuality; humans handle unsolicited political commentary and air fresheners. Both sides scoffed.